In a Tizzie....

One of the first things I did after my husband and I decided we were going to start trying for a baby was go to my nearest book shop and stock up on maternity and baby books. I am fairly sure I bought every book that had baby written somewhere on the front page! I could not wait to learn all about what was going to happen as this amazing life grew within me. So I read and I read and I googled and I studied and I was so happy and confident that I was fully equipped for our journey. I worked out it should go a little something like this...

We would try for a few months (or possibly longer given my reproductive history), I would fall pregnant, I would be tired and suffer morning sickness for the first 12 weeks and then I would get my mummy glow until I hit my last trimester where I would nest. My baby would be born hopefully via natural delivery, I could expect baby blues around day 2 or 3, once home we would settle into a routine with designated sleep, feeding and "mumma time" which would mean everything else should just fall into place...

Mmmmmmmmm, not exactly.

I fell pregnant after our first month of trying. Morning sickness? Try all day sickness for a solid 39 weeks! If there was a glow I certainly did not feel it nor did I see it. I suffered two burst ovarian cysts and high blood pressure. I didn't nest I just got frustrated that my hubby wasn't 'nesting' for me. My baby was born in the most amazing, natural, water birth and instantly the my entire heart embraced her. The baby blues came but unfortunately they never left me (more to come in a later post) and I found not only was there no "mumma time" there was no sleep or feed time either!! Where did I go wrong?? I had read everything, I had planned, I had even made notes. I was constantly running to my books and internet to find a solution for my daughters needs but everything they said to try failed. Most days consisted of tears from both Audrey and I and I couldn't manage to get out of my pj's let alone go to the coffee shop for the outing I had planned! My house was a mess and there was nothing I could find in any of my books to help me...

Then one day amongst the mess and the tears (whilst in my pj's) something clicked. I put down my books, I closed my laptop and for the first time since my daughter was born I took a BIG deep breath. In that moment things started to become a little clearer and I did something that wasn't written in any of my books or on any of the forums I had found online... I decided to just believe in myself and in my ability as a mother. I listened to my daughter, I watched her, I started to learn her cues and after a bit of trial and error she slept and she fed! My house became cleaner, I was out of my pj's before lunch and we ventured out of the house. I began to realise sometimes there is nothing she needs but a good old fashion cuddle...

Don't get me wrong I know of so many people who have had great success with these books and online forums, they just didn't work for my family. As for my books they are still around, they are a wealth of knowledge for first time mums if you want to know what to dress bub in on a hot night or what their temp should be. There are still sleepless nights, some days the dishes are left in the sink and I am still in my pj's when Luke gets home from work but the difference in it all is that I am relaxed and not "looking for answers". I spend my days enjoying my time with my beautiful daughter and not stressing about it.


Love, Elle.