Into The Blue

Marigolds we potted back in spring, they have blossomed beautifully as will I.

I don't know what it was about the kitchen tap, all I remember was feeling if I let go of it the world would crumble around me and cease to exist. Hot tears falling down my face I remember hearing Luke's concerned voice on the phone and I knew he was calling our midwife, Christina. I don't know how much time lapsed between the phone call and the knock at our door but I will never forget the look in Christina's eyes when she saw the state I was in, I was still holding onto the tap. I remember being bundled into a car and driven into town, I don't remember how our conversation went but I am sure there were words of reassurance. I remember sitting in front of our GP, a mother herself, her eyes searching me as if looking for how she missed the signs. I had never been so clothed yet felt so naked. She spoke of "options" and told me what I was going through was "normal" but I couldn't think of any other day where my existence depended on our kitchen tap. I remember standing in the pharmacy waiting for my script to be filled and feeling like a complete failure as a mother. I remember being back in our kitchen, standing on the very same floor that hours ago felt like it was going to swallow me whole and I remember the shame that overcame me as I took that first white pill. I don't know when it happened, perhaps it was days later or maybe it was weeks, but with every new day the pain slowly disappeared and taking medication just became my norm.

Fast forward 18 months and after many late night conversations, Luke and I decided we were ready to start trying for a second child. My excitement was quickly replaced with fear when the reality of the journey ahead set in. I had decided I didn't want to go through my pregnancy medicated but I didn't know if I had the strength, my confidence had taken a beating after Audrey's birth and although I had amazing people supporting me I was still concerned. Weaning was a slow process, I suffered severe nausea and my head always felt like it was two steps behind, I was easily agitated and the smallest problems reduced me to tears. I pushed through and made it to the other side with the help of Luke and some very supportive friends and after a few months of trying we discovered we were expecting! I was flooded with emotion and it wasn't until then I realised how much I had missed processing these emotions and feeling their true core. Twelve weeks in and everything was going great, sure nausea and vomiting were kicking my butt and I was exhausted but I was excited and in full planning mode. Then it all changed... I was finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed, I didn't have the motivation to get off the lounge most days, our house resembled a waste land and our once nourishing fridge contained more takeaway containers then fresh food. I found myself spending way too much time on social media and using it as a form of escape instead of addressing what was really going on. I distanced myself from friends and family and became withdrawn from everyone around me. It had to stop. For myself, for my child and my husband and for my baby growing within me. I made a pact with myself, two weeks without Facebook, Instagram and blogs (including my own). I lasted four hours. I tried again the next day but this time I made a pact to take it one day at a time and every time I wanted to pick up my phone or laptop I would ask myself "what was on there that was more important than what was happening in my own life". I lasted ten days... So much growth happened in those ten days, I returned to my books and meditation and realised I had been avoiding a serious problem that was not going to go away without action.

So where am I today? I walk more, I am more present with my child and my husband, I am back in the kitchen and outside with the chooks, I have pride in my home and pride in myself. Social media did not cause my depression, my depression has always been with me but it enabled me to escape from it and ignore all the warning signs. I found myself living other peoples lives because I was afraid of what was happening in my own. I am back on all my favourite sites but I have given myself time restrictions and it no longer comes before the needs of my family and myself. I will never forget where my journey began but I know with hard work and simple living I am in control of where it takes me.

* This is my journey with PND, please remember everyones journey will be different and it is always recommended to seek help from your GP, midwife or medical professional. For more information or help you can also visit the PANDA website